Why I'm a Size 12, and I Wear a Bikini Anyway.

I have a lot of emotions right now. After working my ass off for 2 years I find myself still stuck at 190lbs. I eat clean, I train mean, and I’ve made healthy living (with some balance) my lifestyle. But here I am. A health and fitness professional still tipping the scales at what’s considered to be ‘obese’. I just got the test results back that I am perfectly healthy, no insulin resistance or thyroid issues to report as to why the weight just won’t come off. I’ve lost all motivation to workout or say no to pie…because really, what’s the point? If I am going to weigh 190 whether I work my ass off or not, then really what is the damn point? And the worst part, is that when I do eat healthy all week and then indulge in a treat meal (just one meal) I will literally gain any weight I lost back just with that one meal. I am not joking. So the risk of NOT working my ass off and eating freakishly healthy is I gain weight like crazy.

I also realized I am almost 30 years old (literally, last week was my 29 half birthday) and I have been perpetually on a diet and trying to lose weight for the last FIFTEEN YEARS. How is that even real?! And no I am not looking for another diet or quick pill or wrap to make the pounds drop…like I said, I already eat clean, portion control, take supplements, sleep, and workout various trainings 5-6 days a week for 30min per day. I am doing everything ‘right’ by the book. So then why isn’t my body cooperating? How am I supposed to be a health coach, helping others lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle when I am still overweight myself no matter what I do?

I prayed about this a lot. God has been whispering in my heart and it’s a really hard reality I have to accept about myself- but this may just be my burden to bear. My message to other women and mothers. And how God is going to use my story to help people. This is HARD FOR ME. I want to wear a freaking bikini. I want to feel normal and not have to work so hard just to be a normal weight. But as I have told countless other women, living a healthy lifestyle isn’t about the destination or the bikini. Its about taking care of yourself so then you can better care for those around you. So your body has a method of healthy stress relief, your back doesn’t hurt, digestion system is working properly, so you can sleep better and have energy to spend with your family. This same truth I’ve been preaching to my friends and family I have to start believing in myself.

I’ve been throwing myself a bit of a pity party recently…my lack of motivation meant wimpy workouts and more cheat treats then usual so I’ve gained another 4lbs right before I go to a freaking fitness professional vacation in Cancun this weekend. Really? Now was the time to jump off the bandwagon? But truth be told, I desperately wanted to wear a bikini in Cancun. More then that, I didn’t want to be the fatty at the fitness conference. The one who obviously didn’t belong there even though my clients love me and I have helped so many people through my own journey…even in a one piece I felt like everyone would be staring at me.

What’s she doing here?

She obviously doesn’t use the programs.

Ok so I am deciding right now, because everything in our life is based on a decision, that this ends today. I am no longer obsessing about my weight, new supplements, measurements, which workout will help me the most to have the most amazing transformation story, etc. This ends here. I am done. God is really speaking to me right now, he’s made it really clear this is kind of a sin in my life. WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE GETTING ALL SPIRITUAL ON ME. But seriously. I am really struggling to let this go and let God take my body and to let go of controlling everything. Accepting I may never look like a bikini model and being ok with that, but more then being ok with it I am going to have to learn to CELEBRATE it because that is what God has called me to do. To be an inspiration to YOU struggling with the same thing. Ugh I would rather not sometimes. I would rather just be a skinny bitch.

Alright so back to the new plan. I am currently doing a really awesome 3 day kind of cleanse I want to finish after my 2 week pity party, then we are going to Cancun and Lord knows I want to celebrate. All inclusive for just a few days and I just really want to eat. And drink. And enjoy myself with my sweet husband and not obsess- can I have permission to do that? To just not obsess about calories and containers and whose watching me eat? I don’t even remember the last time I ever did that. Can I attempt this WITHOUT freaking out that everyone is judging me for how many hamburgers I can down? Because this girl is seriously starving ALL the time. Finally, after we get back its time to switch it up. You know what I enjoy doing? Weight lifting. Its my favorite and I want to do that because its super fun to me, I know people are going to recommend a bunch of cardio for fat loss but no thanks. I don’t like it and with a routine like that I won’t do it, so I am going back to lifting 4 days and 1 day of cardio and 1 day of balance/core work because THAT’S WHAT I LIKE TO DO. (I just realized another reason I’ve lost motivation is because everyone said I needed to do cardio in order to lose weight but I hate cardio so I’ve been MEH about Every. Single. Workout.)

So this is my new life plan. This is the most honest and excited I have been since I think I started this journey. Its more of a mental shift then anything else, but practicing ‘This is a Health Journey, Not a Skinny Destination’ seems to be the most important lesson yet. Lord give me strength.

UPDATE: I rocked this bikini in Cancun the entire week for myself and for all of you with beautiful bodies you work hard for! I also rocked this little number and realized...wow...maybe I am not as much of a fatty as I thought? Maybe I have some dismorphia issues?